Keeping Belichick in Check

You know when you try to get a hold of your expenses, or a hold on your diet you begin by keeping track of what you are spending (or eating)?  Well, I'm doing that with my negative thoughts. Here's how the internal monologue goes, but first the back ground...



On Monday morning, while walking alongside a brook we were fishing, I stopped to take a photo. John kept walking.  He walks like a gazelle, so it was no surprise that by the time I was shoving my camera back in my pack he was gone.  No biggie, up the trail I walked, keeping my eye on the brook.  I walked for several minutes though and that's when my inner Belichick started in, getting me ready to battle:

 He's going to be all irritated with me and wonder where I was, when all I was doing was going pee and appreciating nature!  Why does he have to walk so fast?! He's probably fished all the way to the waterfall by now.  I bet when I find him he'll be sitting on a rock.  I don't even have the net.  O man, look at that pocket!  I don't have any floatant either!  

But then, I stopped and interrupted myself:

Why would you need to blame him?  Are you afraid of being blamed?  And for what, exactly?  You are in one of the most beautiful places you could be.  All you have to do if he does act crabby about it, is smile and say, "I'm sorry, I must have missed you."  Smile and act like it's no big deal because IT ISN'T.

I happened to walk right by him, where he was waiting for me in the brook, fishing.  And there was no fight.

This afternoon John told me that he didn't buy the glasses at Reny's I asked him to buy.  You know how one day you are nesting pint glasses to cram them in your cupboard and the next day you have two?  Yah, so please pick up four or five at a buck a piece.  But no, he did not buy them.  WHY?????? I wanted to scream.  Are you that damn cheap??? Or was it a hassle???  You were already there to buy other stuff!!!  
For goodness sake, calm down.  It's drinking glasses, not a blood transfusion.  And it isn't necessarily a slight on his character (EXCEPT THAT HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME!!!) because he didn't get everything on your list. But it's like I am getting nickeled and dimed to DEATH!  He can't even Ahem. You don't always "find" his stuff either when he asks you to.  But that's out of LAZINESS, NOT CHEAPNESS!  And your point is???

I am pretty darn sensible when I put my mind to it.

Surly

I've been in a bad mood for about a year.
I give myself talks, as though I’m my own life coach. “Lighten up,” I say.  “Have fun, take care of yourself, and for goodness sake, be nice.” So I bake bread, grow flowers, play one-on-one with my son, eat ice cream, read good books, exercise, get 8 hours of sleep, dance, spend time with my friends.

I count to ten.  

I take deep breaths, but still.  

Surly.

I have a moment every day when I think, “Man, my life is good.”  And I look around and see that it is true. But if I don't tend to my negativity, I'm a taken-for-granted, can't-take-a-joke grouch. Worst of all, I don’t opt for kindness and patience enough with my husband.  

My life is in a sweet spot too: my parents are not elderly; I’m young enough to be physically strong, old enough to be confidant; I’m financially stable and don’t want for what I don’t have.

And I give thanks daily.  I give thanks for my and my family’s health, for my warm little house, for clean water and fresh air.  Who or what do I thank?  The universe.  I just put it out there, extend my full heart in a big, thanking exhale.  

Despite my gratitude, somehow my relationship with my soul has become a bit estranged.  Jesus and Mary?  I haven’t spoken to them in years.  And I’m wondering if this might be my problem.

In this blog, I will document getting reacquainted with my soul, and in particular with my inherited religion, Christianity.  I’m not sure how I’ll do this yet, but I’ll figure that out.  

A little art-making might help my mission, as well as being attuned to the blissful moments in each day and capturing them with words and my camera.   It will be my soul’s multivitamin:  a big, juicy daily bliss bomb.